my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
