Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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