my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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