My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
