You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
