Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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