I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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