Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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