if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
