He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
