According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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