If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
