Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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