Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
