I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
