Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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