Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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