theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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