If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
