Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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