dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
