I'm gonna have a badass scar
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
