I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
