Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
