I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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