you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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