I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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