Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
