apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
