There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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