Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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