Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
