So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
