It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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