Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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