You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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