You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
