can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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