dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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