My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
