Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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