I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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