Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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