i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How does one acquire holy water?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
PANTIES FOUND
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
