I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
