I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
