He is an equal opportunity slut.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
