i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
