Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
