I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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