SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Randomize
