Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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