pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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