wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
