Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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