And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
