My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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