Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
