paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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