when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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