so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
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I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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